Moving On
by black-rose495
Summary: Cullen is having difficulty moving on, but a visit to an old friend helps clear his head.


_**This is a giftfic for Maren a.k.a. hobbithase, the woman who has done my commissions for me. I decided I wanted to thank her and so I wrote this for her based on her own canon and characters. I am happy to say that she loved it, which is why I am now posting it on here :) This was so much fun to write and I hope I can maybe do something else for her in the future.**_

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"_Gillian? Are you there?" _

Gillian Hawke opened her eyes to the familiar hazy surroundings of the Fade. Solona was already waiting for her in the distance, her red hair blowing in the imaginary breeze. She often met her in this place, at the crest of the hill overlooking the Circle of Magi. She'd often wondered why she tended to come back to this place. Most mages hated the Circle, herself included, because they saw them as a prison. But not her. Solona Amell was one of the few mages who saw its potential to be something more than that. It was just a shame she hadn't lived long enough to make her dream a reality.

"_Yeah I'm here. What's wrong? You've been rather quiet lately." _

Amell wringed her hands nervously in front of her, _"I've just…I've been thinking a lot after everything that's happened lately – you know, this whole Meredith business you dealt with." _

Hawke certainly knew _all_ about that. She'd been caught in the centre of the maelstrom, having to deal with both Meredith and Orsino herself after both of them went bat-shit crazy. Orsino's betrayal still pissed her off whenever she thought about it. They were winning the battle against the Templars and then he went and turned to blood magic. The second he drew that knew that knife across his skin he had sealed his fate, Solona's rage inside of Gillian's mind fuelling her spells.

"_And…?"_

Solona sighed, _"And I want to speak to Cullen."_

"_Come again," _said Hawke, her eyebrows shooting into her hairline.

"_You heard me Gillian. I want to speak to Cullen. I need to… I just… Please. Let me speak to him." _Her eyes pleaded her, begged her.

After a few moments she sighed, "_And how do you intend to do that? You're here in the Fade. He's not."_

Solona's eyes lit up and shone like emeralds. _"Don't worry Gillian. I have a plan. Here's what I need you to do."_

Hawke awoke in her office, slumped in her chair. Blinking a few times to clear her vision she sat up, trying to assess what time of day it was. Noon, give or take, judging by the sun. _Maker, I was out for a while. _Deciding it best to check her appearance first, Gillian opened her desk drawer and pulled out her hand mirror. _Good. I don't look like I've spent the past hour out of it. _

She pulled at her face, frowning at the worry lines forming on her forehead. _Maker no. Don't do this to me. I'm too young to wrinkle, even if I am stressed as hell in this job. _With a touch of magic they disappeared again, her smile returning to her face. She was too young to get wrinkles. Sure she had spent the last decade of her life stressed as hell, but that was why she had her outlets, to distress her. That was why every weekend she would go drinking with Isabela and Varric, despite knowing that it probably wouldn't end well for her. It was why she had a lute hidden in her office in the Keep, as well as the one in her mansion. And it was why she had insisted on hiring Fenris as her 'bodyguard' and moving him into her mansion – after much persuasion followed by a little more 'persuasion'. Without them to keep her sane, she would have given in years ago. But she didn't, because this was her home, these people were her family, and she would not abandon them.

Truth be told, it was the only reason she was sat at this desk. While the job bored her, she knew it was one of the best ways to make a real change in this blighted city. Although Anders' methods had been flawed, he had been right. Things needed to change.

But for now that would wait. Right now she needed to track down Cullen. After checking once more that she looked presentable, she called her assistant in. "Ahhh, Lucinda, good. I'm going out of a few hours. Please clear my schedule for today and re-schedule any appointments I was meant to have."

The woman nodded her understanding then left the room, leaving Gillian alone with her thoughts. She spent so much time thinking lately, more than she'd have liked. That day kept playing on repeat in her mind, her brain picking apart each word and action, trying to look for anything important she had missed. Unfortunately, as always she came up blank. Giving up, she left her office and began the familiar walk to the Gallows.

Gillian only went to the Gallows when she had to nowadays, the memory of that place too much to bear along with all the guilt she carried on her shoulders. She already felt responsible for so many deaths and the Gallows just reminded her of all the others she had inadvertently caused.

Cullen was where he tended to be on slow days, standing guard at the base of the Gallows. He smiled when he saw her coming, her customary tight-fitting outfit giving her away and making him swallow slightly at the sight of her.

"Viscountess Hawke. I was told to expect you. To what do I owe the pleasure?" He smiled warmly at the mage, genuinely happy to see her. His week had been rather tedious so far, dealing with the mess Meredith had left behind, so seeing her made this day a little better.

"Can we speak in your office Knight-Commander?" asked Hawke. "I'm here on a personal matter, not business."

He nodded and indicated towards the Templar Halls, where his new office was. Hawke walked with her head held high and her shoulders back, hiding her unease as she pictured the bodies of innocent mages and Templars strewn around her feet. How Cullen lived and worked in this place she would never know. _Maybe he has a secret lover that we don't know about, though I highly doubt that. He still seems hung up on Solona. _

Once they were safely inside Cullen's office she began, "I need you to keep an open mind about what I'm going to tell you and I need you to listen carefully to everything I have to say. Okay?" The Templar nodded, his eyes narrowing at her curiously. "Okay. So here's the simple version. Me and your dead lover, our souls are connected. I can draw on her power which is why I was able to kick Meredith's butt so much. She's hanging around in the Fade, keeping an eye on everyone and waiting for a friend to turn up, and every now and again we have little chats. We had one this morning. She wants to speak to you. In person. We can do that, but I'm going to need a few things from the Circle's stock room. Okay, done."

Cullen stared at her baffled and felt around for his chair so he could sit down. "I don't even know where to begin…"

"It's a lot, I know, but I need you to trust me and accept it as fact." She sat down opposite him and smiled sympathetically. "I know it sounds farfetched – believe me, you wouldn't be the first to question it – but Solona really does want to speak with you and she really did ask me to come and do this."

He sat staring at nothing for a few minutes, Gillian slowly becoming more and more worried that he was having a panic attack. _She wants to speak with me. She wants to speak with me. Does this mean she's forgiven me for what I said? Maker I hope so. I was so full of hate back then. I wish I could take back all those horrible things I said, I really do. Maybe she'll let me…_

"Cullen!" Hawke's voice snapped him out of his musings.

Before he could think the words "Okay. What do you need?" tumbled out of his lips. Hawke smiled involuntarily and stood up, motioning for him to follow.

_Well he was surprisingly easy to convince, _she thought.

They walked to the Mage Halls, nodding to everyone who greeted them as they passed. It was rather tiresome having everyone recognise you. Ever since she had become Champion of Kirkwall she had been confused whenever someone unknown greeted her as she went about her day to day life and becoming Viscountess had not changed that.

The Tranquil mage at the stockroom greeted her like everyone else, and she replied with forced politeness. Tranquil mages had always freaked her out; the voice, the eyes, the readiness to do as commanded. It really got to her. But, as she had seen from Solona, sometimes Tranquillity was a necessary move. After all, if Jowan had just accepted his fate, maybe the Circle in Ferelden wouldn't have been destroyed. Or maybe it would have. There was always a crazy revolutionist waiting to free mages, as Anders had proved.

Gillian and Cullen searched in the stockroom all afternoon for the necessary ingredients, the list quickly scribbled down on the way to the Gallows. She explained while they searched what they were doing. The plan was to make a potion similar to the one mages take to complete their Harrowing, that way Cullen could enter the Fade at will and speak with Solona, without Gillian being present. "We've managed to do it before without this, but that was a life or death situation and some other factors were different. This potion is more to cut out the middleman and get you straight to where you need to be, since Solona contacting you in your sleep is harder than you might think since she's dead and all." Out of the corner of her eye she saw Cullen's hand still and his face scrunch up in pain, "Sorry. That was a little insensitive of me. I just meant…"

"I know. It's okay," he smiled at her reassuringly. "Come on, we've only got one more thing left on your list."

They found the final item rather quickly, then headed up to the Harrowing Chamber. It was ideal, given that they would be using it for a similar function. Cullen watched as Gillian mixed the ingredients together, grinding herbs and lyrium dust in a mortar and pestle, then adding them to a small cauldron. She heated the cauldron with a small fire until the mixture liquefied, then poured the potion into the Summoning Font. The Font sparked to life, the molten Lyrium inside it glowing brightly as it reacted with the potion.

"I'm sure you've seen enough Harrowings to know what to do," joked Gillian.

He laughed weakly before stepping towards the Font and placing his hand in the glowing light. It latched onto him and spread over his body before his eyes rolled back into their sockets and he slumped to the ground.

He awoke in a strange room, laid on an unknown bed. Around him the air seemed to shimmer, like nothing was really real.

"_Hello Cullen."_

He looked around and saw a figure sat beside him on the bed. _"Solona! Maker, she really was telling the truth. Or she killed me and I'm in dead, one or the other." _

The mage chuckled, _"No, you're not dead. I gave her the recipe for the potion and now...here you are. You see," _she looked down at her hands, wringing them like she always did when she had something big to tell him, _"I've been trying to get in touch with you for a while, but your connection to the Fade hasn't been strong enough – you aren't sleeping well are you? Anyway, for a while now I've wanted to talk to you."_

He swallowed nervously, _"About what?" _

"_About…you. Us. Everything really." _She stood up and moved to a seat by a large, crackling fire. _"I've been keeping an eye on you – I know some would call that stalking, but I wanted to make sure you were okay after everything in the Circle. You hurt me with what you said. I guess I had hoped that after being with me, maybe your view wouldn't be so harsh. But then you said that all mages should be drowned as children…I didn't want to believe that you could be so cruel, but you gave me the proof yourself."_

Cullen buried his head in his hands, cringing at the memory. It had haunted him in his sleep, the look of hurt and anger on Solona's face as she slapped him stuck in his mind ever since.

"_I've been watching you in Kirkwall, the work you've been doing with the Templars. You've changed Cullen, for the better." _He looked up, a hopeful gleam in his eyes. _"I saw how you helped Gillian fight Meredith. I know you didn't side with the mages – I didn't expect you to – but you did aid a mage and stopped that lunatic. You spoke out for Gillian and made her Viscountess, despite the Order being against it." _She smiled at him, _"You're kind to the mages Cullen. That's something that isn't seen often enough."_

"_That's down to your influence you know," _he said.

She chuckled, _"Yes, I seem to have that effect on people. I'm sure you've heard what King Alistair's done for mages in Ferelden. That was my influence too, if what he said at my funeral was true." _Cullen winced at the mention of her funeral, _"I can't sugar-coat it Cullen. I am dead. I'm here in the Fade by my own freewill, but do not doubt that there is no chance of me coming back. My body was damaged too much when I killed the Archdemon. I cannot come back."_

He moved to the edge of the bed, so he sat opposite her. _"A man can dream can't he?" _

Solona stared at him, at the way his shoulders sagged and his eyes betrayed his inner sadness. Even now she was torturing him, but she knew he wouldn't send her away because after all these years he still loved her.

"_Cullen…" _

The Templar pushed himself off the bed and knelt before her, _"Solona, please don't say it."_

"_You need to forget about me. I love you, but I'm dead. Don't stop yourself from being happy because of me. You like her, don't you? That mage in the Circle here. Aurora, I believe…" _Solona watched amused as his eyes widened in surprise, _"What, you think I have anything better to do than spy on you Cullen." _She smirked playfully at him. _"And you were never any good at covering that blush of yours." _

He chuckled awkwardly, _"Is it that obvious?" _

"_Yes," _she laughed, _"and for the love of Andraste, get off the floor Cullen. You just look silly." _He blushed as he stood up and sat back on the bed. _"Now, we were discussing this crush of yours…"_

"_Maker Solona, do we really have to?" _

"_No, I suppose not," _she chuckled. She missed winding him up like this. It was so easy to do. _"But seriously, give her a chance Cullen. You might be surprised at what she can do." _

The room starting fading then, the lines blurring together and the colour draining. _"Looks like it's time to go. Goodbye Cullen. I'll miss you…"_

It was dark when he finally awoke. Gillian was sat on the floor near him sharpening her daggers. She was so engrossed in her task he didn't think she'd noticed he'd awoken, but she proved him wrong when she said, "So how did it go?"

"Fine," he said shakily, his voice not quite working right.

Gillian set down her whetstone and inspected her blades, "Good. I was wondering how much longer you'd be. You were out for a while. I was almost beginning to get worried." She sheathed her daggers then stood up. "Well, I'd better go. I'll see myself out Knight-Commander."

Before he could open his mouth to say goodbye the Viscountess had sauntered out of the room, her hips swaying as she walked. After a few moments Cullen followed her out of the room and back to his office, where he locked the door behind him and cracked open a bottle of brandy.

A familiar, gravelly voice greeted Gillian as she left the Templar Halls. "…do you want to anger the Viscountess? Have you forgotten what she can do?"

"Fenris," she barked, "leave the poor man alone. I'm right here."

The elf turned his glare to the mage and strode towards her. "And just what in blazes did you think you were doing, running off like that? You could have at least done me the courtesy of telling me where you'd gone."

Gillian ran a tender hand over his cheek, "Relax Fenris. I was doing something important. If you calm down I'll tell you all about it."

"Fine," he huffed, instantly relaxing under her touch.

"And if you like," she said, leaning closer to him, "I can make it up to you when we get back home."

His eyes shot wide and grew instantly grew dark. He grabbed the mages wrist and pulled her towards the docks, insisting that they return home at once for her own 'personal safety'. She let him lead her away, deciding that filling him in on her day could wait. They had time to talk later. Tonight, she would enjoy herself with the man she loved. Tonight was hers.


End file.
